


All I Want

by bromanceorromance



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Christmas, Established Relationship, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:48:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21920575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bromanceorromance/pseuds/bromanceorromance
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 11
Kudos: 69





	All I Want

Zayn stares down at the little stick that was about to change his life forever. He's read the packaging enough times to memorize it, but it doesn't stop him from skimming the directions again. It's not hard to understand: one line means he's not pregnant and two lines means he is.

He'd set the timer for the appropriate ten minutes and glances over to see that two minutes still remain. His breath rushes out of his chest as his head drops back to gaze at the ceiling. Liam was gone for the day again; he'd said to expect him late. He's not sure him being here would make anything better - would make him any less terrified.

One minute remaining.

He's not sure he wants a baby, the timing isn't perfect. But babies show up whenever they want to, right? Isn't that what people say? There's no perfect time for a baby?

If it's his and Liam's, though… Zayn's cheeks warm at the thought of a little person with Liam's eyes and Zayn's coloring. It's not even worth questioning, he's keeping it. If there's an it to be concerned about, that is. He'd never be able to give up the chance to hold that little person that was half of him and half of Liam.

The timer beeps and his eyes fall to the pregnancy test again. Two lines. He's pregnant.

There's a long moment where everything feels like it's frozen. Zayn doesn't blink, doesn't move. He just stares at the little blue lines that have just changed the course of his future.

Then time speeds up just as fast as Zayn's thoughts. He needs to call the doctor. He needs to find out if any of his anxiety and depression meds could affect the baby. He needs to start taking vitamins, right? That's a thing they tell you to do. He's got to stop eating some much crap and increase the fruit and veggies in his diet. He's got to ask his mum about morning sickness and what she did about it. He'd been sick this morning, but Liam didn't notice anything amiss. Liam. He's got to tell Liam.

Zayn's body chills. Liam's been distant the past few weeks. He doesn't know that this is a good time to announce a baby. Maybe he should wait. He's still got time before he starts showing, right? Right. Maybe things will settle down in a few weeks.

\---

"How was your day?" Liam hugs Zayn from behind.

Zayn curses the way his body leans into him immediately. "Fine," he answers, shortly. He's barely seen Liam all week. He knows this hug from behind business - Liam's horny and expecting Zayn to put out. "How was yours?" he forces himself to ask. He can be polite. He can politely shut his husband down.

Liam's nose rubs at the space behind Zayn's ear. "Better now that I'm here." He kisses the shell of Zayn's ear.

Zayn shakes his head. "I'm not in the mood, Li."

Liam's lips move down to kiss his neck and then his shoulder. "C'mon, babe. I know how to get you in the mood."

Zayn shrugs him off, stepping out of his hold and then returning to loading the dishwasher.

"I've barely seen you all week, babe. I thought we could - "

"I'm not in the mood, Li." He doesn't want to tell Liam that he's been up puking every morning. He doesn't want to tell him that his nipples are already more sensitive than before - just the brush of fabric has them pebbling up in interest all day. "Not tonight."

"Babe, I won't be home - "

"That's not my fault," Zayn growls. He'd seen the gossip this morning - another rumor about Liam hooking up with some woman, cheating on Zayn. He can usually ignore it, but this one had pictures that looked a little too intimate and Liam hasn't been around to reassure him and it also happens to be one of his exes that Liam's being linked with.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just have a lot going on right now. But if you're not in the mood…"

"I'm not."

He nods, raising his hands and backing out of the kitchen.

\---

"Are you seeing Natalie again today?" Zayn snaps. He's woken with a splitting headache and can only be thankful that the crackers managed to settle his stomach before he had to sprint to the bathroom.

Liam shrugs, oblivious to Zayn's struggles. "I'm not sure. Why?"

"I don't like it."

Liam frowns. "What?"

"I don't like her. I don't like you being around her."

"Zayn, there's nothing to worry about. We're working together."

\---

They haven't had sex since Zayn found out he was pregnant. He's worried Liam will notice the changes in his body. He'll know and Zayn's not sure if he wants him to be happy or pissed about it. That's a lie, he wants Liam to be happy, but he's so busy.

Zayn's hasn't really wanted sex, anyways. He's been craving cuddles, but every time Liam has the time to touch him, he's trying to get an orgasm out of it. It's been frustrating. Zayn's been pushing him away when he really wants to burrow into his chest and never move again.

All of that, just to say he's feeling guilty. Zayn is frustrated with how busy Liam's been, but it is his job - his dream job. He can't be angry about him working all the time when he's wanted this for Liam forever. He wants him to be successful. He wants him to be happy and flourishing in his career.

So he's making Liam's favorite meal as an apology of sorts. He's hoping they can have a nice dinner together and maybe sex. Mostly, he just wants to talk to him. He needs to tell him about the baby, but he's actually planning to just ask him to come to the doctor with him. He had the pregnancy confirmed a few days after he'd taken the pregnancy test, but he's got another check-up coming up this week. Zayn kind of wants to see if Liam can make a doctor's appointment with him a priority before he tells him. He doesn't want to think of it as a test, but it is. It's a test. He wants to know if he's a priority to Liam or not.

Zayn sets the table and lights the candles just after seven o'clock. He'd asked earlier and Liam had assured him he'd be home by seven thirty. Zayn's changed into a nice pair of jeans (squeezed into would be a more accurate description) and slipped on a dark v-neck that he knows Liam likes.

He keeps the food in the oven, hoping it'll stay warm without burning. He doesn't want dinner to be cold. Earlier, he'd went to the bakery down the road and got a small chocolate cake for their dessert. It's on the counter by the fridge.

As it approaches seven thirty, Zayn's stomach fills with butterflies. He's always surprised at how his body still reacts to Liam's presence or Liam's impending arrival. It reminds him of their first date and their first kiss. Neither would've been anything remarkable except that it was Liam and Zayn couldn't help thinking everything involving Liam was remarkable.

It inches towards eight o'clock and Zayn double-checks his phone for any messages. Nothing from Liam, just a snarky comment from Louis in response to a picture Zayn had sent him earlier. He replies and fiddles with his phone, checking his email and checking on his dragons on his game - they were all fed and healthy.

By the time he looks at the clock again, it's approaching eight thirty. He sighs and taps out a quick message to Liam as he stands to blow out the candles. He can relight them when Liam gets here. It'll be a little less romantic, but Liam will still love it, he's sure. He scrolls through Twitter, waiting for a response from Liam. After five minutes, he texts him again.

He stumbles into a picture of Liam and Natalie, supposedly from this evening. Zayn squints at it for a moment before shaking his head and continuing to scroll. If he spent time analyzing every picture of Liam, he'd be here all night. He checks the time and frowns, getting up to go look out the window. He looks up and down the street for Liam's approaching car before dialing his number. No answer, straight to voicemail.

Liam doesn't turn his phone off. It must've died. Zayn's always telling him to keep a spare charger around. He hopes he's on his way and promises himself he's not going to call his workplace for at least fifteen more minutes. Being the overbearing spouse has never been his forte.

Twenty minutes later, he speaks to Paul.

"Oh, he left about an hour ago. I think he said something about meeting someone for dinner."

Zayn thanks him as politely as he can before hanging up and resisting the urge to fling his phone across the room. He's hungry. He's eating for two now. He's not waiting any longer.

\---

Liam gets home just after midnight. He's quiet as he slips in the door, but Zayn's dozing on the couch and hears the lock click.

"What were you doing out with Natalie?" Zayn demands, surprised his voice isn't shaking. He stands and crosses his arms.

"Babe, you didn't need to wait up - "

"What were you doing out with Natalie?"

Liam frowns, surprised at the anger he's hearing in Zayn's voice. "I wasn't out with Natalie - not just her, I mean - "

"Then why are all the pictures of just you and her and your bodyguards?"

"Babe - "

"You said you'd be home, Liam. You said you'd be home and then I couldn't get ahold of you - "

"I had to turn my phone in at the place we went to eat. It's a privacy thing - "

"Yet people still got pictures of the two of you."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd be waiting up - "

"Yeah, I was trying to surprise you," Zayn says, voice finally cracking as his eyes fill with angry tears. "I thought we'd have a nice dinner and talk and I thought you'd be here for one evening with your husband."

"Babe - "

Zayn shakes his head. "And instead, I got to see pictures of you and your ex plastered across every social media account I have. And then I tried to turn on the tv, and you two are the fucking news of the day apparently."

"She's not - "

"I can't do this, Liam."

Liam's eyes widen. "Can't do what?"

"This," Zayn exclaims, gesturing between them. "You're never here and - and Natalie sees you more than I do!"

"It's just a work thing - "

"It doesn't look like just a work thing. I waited for you, Liam. I sat here and waited for over an hour before I decided to eat without you. And then I still sat here and waited for you. I fixed you a plate and put it in the microwave. I did all the dishes, thinking 'he'll be here any minute with an explanation'. And then I found picture after picture after video after video of you and Natalie over a nice meal. I basically went on the date with you via social media, Liam. You ate. You laughed. You touched her arm. You leaned in to talk to her - "

"It was loud and - "

Zayn shakes his head and waves his hand. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. It's all I've been hearing for the past few weeks. Excuse after excuse after excuse of why you aren't here."

Liam's eyes narrow. "And I've been getting nothing but excuse after excuse every time I try to spend time with you - "

"Every time you try to fuck me, Liam? Let's be honest about this." Zayn's voice raises to speak over Liam's. "You barely speak to me except when you're trying to get me into bed."

"That's ridiculous - "

"That's the truth."

They stare at each other for a long moment.

"I don't know why I bothered to come home, then."

Zayn's voice catches in his throat for a moment and then it turns to fury as it finds its way out. "I don't either. Why didn't you just crash at your girlfriend's? At least she's good for a fuck, huh? More than your getting at home. Boohoo, poor Liam having to take care of himself."

"Boohoo poor Zayn having to stay home all day and do nothing. Poor Zayn getting to live off of my money while he does what? Takes care of the house? What do you even sit here and do all day?"

"You - "

"The house is clean, that's great, babe. But why the fuck does that mean you're too tired for anything by the time I get home? What the fuck is making you so bloody tired? Maybe you're the one having some fling."

"Get the fuck out." Zayn's shaking as he says the words. He's shaking and he knows this is bad for the baby. "Get the fuck out."

Liam scowls at him and leaves, slamming the door behind him.

The silence is thick and Zayn feels like it's choking him as he sinks to the floor.

\---

Zayn has Louis go to the doctor with him this time. He hasn't spoken to Liam in two days. He'd returned for clothes at some point while Zayn was out, but didn't bother to tell Zayn where he was staying.

"You need to tell him," Louis whispers in the doctor's office. "He's gonna find out soon enough."

Zayn's stomach has started to fill out in the last couple days. He knows some of it is the Ben&Jerry's he's been eating, but there's no denying it's the baby, too.

"Mr. Malik." The doctor enters, shaking his hand. "How are we feeling?"

"Um, okay, I guess."

He continues with routine questions about his morning sickness and his diet. There's a quick examination and then he's done. "Next appointment, we can find out whether it's a girl or boy," the doctor excitedly tells him.

Zayn smiles, fighting back tears, but the doctor chooses to ignore it. Louis's arm is firmly around him now and Zayn doesn't want to have a breakdown in front of the doctor. He's sure the man has seen it before - he works with pregnant women and men, obviously - but Zayn doesn't know if he'll be able to stop if he allows the tears to fall.

"C'mon, we'll go out for lunch, my treat," Louis assures him as they make their way to the receptionist to set up his next appointment.

\---

"Is it really that bad? He's not cheating on you, is he?" Louis asks, keeping his voice down.

Zayn crunches a chip into tiny pieces on the table in front of him, shrugging. "I don't know, Lou. I don't want to think so, but - I mean, the evidence is not exactly - "

"Fan and paparazzi photos are not evidence, babe. What other evidence do you have?"

Zayn shakes his head. "He hasn't been home."

"If he says he's been working, he very well could be working a lot. His album is supposed to be releasing soon, isn't it? Maybe that's got him stressed."

"And he keeps spending time with Natalie. I tried to be understanding, Lou, I did. And I told him it bothered me. And then I thought it was just going to be for, like, one song or whatever. How long can that take? I thought I'd just have to wait it out a couple weeks. But it's been over a month now. And they're still constantly seen together."

Louis frowns. "I just - I really don't think Liam could cheat on you. He's just so…good. I can't see him doing that. He's obviously not been treating you well, though."

Zayn nods, biting back tears again.

"Have you talked since the other night?"

He shakes his head.

"Where's he staying?"

Zayn shrugs.

Louis sighs. "Would you be pissed if I talk to him?"

Zayn continues to crush the chip into powder. "I guess not."

"Babe, I'm not taking his side, yeah?"

Zayn nods. "Okay."

\---

Niall shows up at his door the next afternoon. "I'm supposed to be grabbing some of Li's stuff, but I also want to know what the fuck is going on with you two."

Zayn sighs and lets him inside the flat. "He's being an arse."

"I got that. You wouldn't've kicked him out for no reason." Niall continues on into their bedroom. "He needs a suit for a meeting later."

Zayn passes him to enter the closet and find the required items.

"He's really beat up about it," Niall tries. "Looks like he's barely sleeping. Of course, he wasn't sleeping a lot before this either. Album's got him stressed."

Zayn hands off some clothes to Niall and then goes into their bathroom, packing up the toiletries that Liam forgot. "Where's he staying?"

"You really haven't talked to him?"

Zayn just glares at him.

"He's been sleeping at the studio. I tried to tell him he could crash with me and Lil, but he said it wasn't worth the drive."

"He's a stubborn idiot."

Niall cracks a smile. "He is."

Zayn reaches around the shower door to grab Liam's body wash and his t-shirt rises, revealing the slight baby bump.

Niall gasps as Zayn flinches, pulling his shirt back down. "Are you?"

Zayn shakes his head. "Don't - it's not - "

"He doesn't know, does he?"

"No."

"I won't say a word."

"Please, Niall."

Niall mimes zipping his lips. "Promise."

"Harry and Lou already know."

"Why haven't you told him?"

Zayn sighs. "I just - haven't."

"He'd be on the porch begging - "

"I know. And I don't want him doing that."

Niall frowns. "You don't want him back?"

"I don't want him coming back for the baby. I want him coming back for me."

\---

Are you free for dinner tonight? 7? I'll pick u up.

Liam's finally texted him, but Zayn doesn't know what to say. He misses him. It's been a week now. Liam's always calm and rational about these things. He probably thinks that's enough time for Zayn to cool off.

Ok

That's all Zayn can bear to respond. He doesn't even know if he really trusts him to show up.

Zayn's ready at seven, though. He's tried to hide his baby bump under layers. He's lucky it's December.

Liam knocks on the door at 7:01. He smiles when Zayn opens the door, offering him a bouquet of white lilies. "Hi."

Zayn smiles, letting him step inside while he goes to put the flowers in water. "Thank you."

"I made reservations," Liam tells him, glancing around the kitchen. "At that Italian place you like?"

"Okay. That sounds good." Zayn nods, flipping the kitchen light off as they return to the door.

"You look nice."

Zayn bites his lip, looking away at the compliment. "Thank you. So do you."

Liam leads him to the passenger side door with a gentle hand on his lower back. "I've missed you, babe."

Zayn climbs into the SUV, allowing Liam to shut the door behind him. He blinks quickly while Liam circles to the driver's side, making sure he's not going to cry. These pregnancy hormones are absolute shit, honestly.

"How have you been?"

Zayn's hand automatically starts to settle on his baby bump and he quickly smooths his shirt down to hide the motion. "Um, okay. I've been missing you, too."

"I know I should've talked to you sooner," Liam apologizes. "But I just thought we needed a little time to cool down."

Zayn nods, expecting this explanation. "I understand that, but I would've liked to know where you were staying at least."

"I've been sleeping at work."

"Niall told me."

"We've almost got the album finished," he adds. "I'm - I'm really proud of it, honestly. It's been a lot of work, but I feel like it's really me."

"Congratulations." The word feels foreign on Zayn's tongue, but he doesn't know what else to say.

"But I never meant for it to get in the way of us. Zee, I've been working my ass off the last week to get it done and out of the way, I feel like. There's no joy in it without you to come home to. It's just work. And I don't - "

Zayn glances at the clock. "We should go if we're going to make that reservation." He feels rude interrupting, but he needs a moment.

Liam swallows and starts the car, pulling out into the road without another word. His eyes stay fixed to the road for the entire drive. Zayn knows because he can barely drag his own eyes away from him. He looks tired. There's smudges under his eyes and he looks like he's been trying to hide the redness with drops. His skin looks paler than normal. His whole body looks just a little off. Zayn's not sure he can pinpoint the change, but he wants to fix it. He also feels kind of glad that he's been suffering. He's been varying between moods of absolute rage and absolute agony. He cried in the shower for an hour this afternoon, but he's a wiz at covering it up. Makeup is his friend today. Makeup and layers. He can't forget the layers because they're hiding his biggest secret. And he never wanted his baby to be a secret, but he silently apologizes to them and promises their daddy will know about them soon.

"How's Natalie?" Zayn asks, trying to keep the venom out of his voice. He doesn't want to sound accusatory, but he needs to know. He needs to know if Liam's done anything to change that situation.

Liam shakes his head. "I don't know. I haven't spoken to her. I arranged for Niall to finish up the last few things we needed from her and she's back in LA now, as far as I know. I haven't asked. I'm just assuming."

"You haven't spoken to her at all?" Zayn asks, surprised.

Liam finally glances over at him, hurt in the corners of his eyes. "No, babe. I should've ended the whole thing sooner. I mean, it was just work. I swear. But, it was making you uncomfortable. And you tried to tell me and I ignored you, so that's on me. I'm sorry."

Zayn swallows tears, glancing out his window. "Thank you."

There's a few long moments of silence again, but it's not quite as tense as it was before.

"What have you been up to this week?" Liam gently asks.

Zayn frowns, remembering Liam's callous words about keeping house and not doing anything.

Liam catches the look, though and immediately backtracks. "No, babe, that wasn't - I didn't mean anything by it. I just genuinely want to know what you've been doing. I've missed you. I haven't been very present even before this past week, but I'm trying, okay? I just want to hear about your week."

Zayn nods, accepting the apology for now. "I started on some Christmas shopping and went out to lunch with Lou after my doctor's appointment and I've been cleaning the house and planning our Christmas menu." He tries to slip in the doctor's appointment casually to see if Liam's really paying attention.

"Have you heard if your sister's going to make it for Christmas?" Liam asks.

Zayn tries not to be disappointed. "Yeah, she's coming up for Christmas Eve and day, but she's got to leave late that evening. Work wants her back for the after-Christmas craziness."

"Well, I'm glad she's going to make it. That'll be your whole family, right?"

Zayn nods. "Your mum called and confirmed as well. She said she'd come a bit earlier than the whole brood to help out, but I assured her I had it under control."

Liam smiles. "She just wants to help."

"I know, but my mum was already coming early with Safaa to help out. They should be plenty of help."

"And everyone's staying with us?"

Zayn nibbles at his lip for a moment. "Yeah, they're all piling in with us. Between the guest rooms, I think we can get everyone to fit."

Liam nods.

"I haven't - I haven't told any of them that we're - that we're having some issues."

Liam glances over again as he pulls into a parking spot not far from the restaurant. "You haven't?"

Zayn shakes his head. "I'd rather just - just fake it through the holidays if we have to. They'll all be back home before New Year's, so it'd just be a week or so."

"Okay."

"I assumed you hadn't said anything either since your mum didn't act like anything was amiss."

"I didn't think they needed to be involved and I was hoping to resolve this before then."

"Oh." He doesn't know what else to say. He wants to resolve it before then, too, but he's not sure it's that simple. Liam exits the car and comes around to open Zayn's door.

"That's not me trying to minimize anything," Liam adds, taking Zayn's hand and threading their fingers together. "We've got some stuff to talk through."

"And I need you to be around more," Zayn adds.

Liam nods. "Album's finishing up, so I won't be working as much. I've got time off for the holidays, too."

"But I know promo for the album will start in January…"

"I will start making time for you. For us."

They enter the restaurant and Liam gives the hostess his name. Her cheeks flush as she recognizes them. Zayn's recognized less than Liam, but when they're together, people notice him, too.

Liam pulls his chair out for him when they reach the table and Zayn allows this small moment of chivalry because Liam has a lot of sucking up to do.

"What was the doctor's appointment about?" Liam asks after the hostess has left for their drinks. "Routine check-up? Or have you been ill?"

"Um, it was a check-up of sorts."

Liam frowns, lowering the menu he's started to peruse. "What does that mean?"

"I'm fine," Zayn assures him. He glances around, knowing this isn't the place to tell him. "Just a check-up."

Liam studies him for a moment, but chooses to drop it. Zayn suspects he'll bring it up again later.

Dinner is delicious, until someone nearby orders the shrimp scampi. It passes by them and Zayn catches a whiff, running to the bathroom as quick as his legs will carry him. He heaves into the toilet, tears filling his eyes. He hates this. He will not miss this part of pregnancy.

Liam enters a moment behind him, stepping into the stall to rub his back. "Babe, you okay?"

Zayn curses the timing. He wanted to tell Liam after dinner. He still wants to wait until they're out of the restaurant.

"Yeah." Zayn wipes his mouth and lets Liam help him to his feet before flushing the toilet. "Something didn't agree with me." He goes to the sink, cupping water into his hand to rinse his mouth out a few times. He glances up to the mirror to see Liam studying him.

"I'll go pay and we'll get you home," he assures him upon meeting his gaze. He offers a little smile and Liam disappears out the bathroom door.

He washes his hands and smiles when another man offers him a mint with a knowing look. "Thanks."

The man nods. "The shrimp, right? Always got to me when I was expecting."

Zayn exits the bathroom with another 'thank you' thrown towards him. He barely walks a few steps before Liam's there with his coat.

"You okay?"

Zayn nods, slipping his coat and mittens on before letting Liam lead him to the door. "We - we need to talk." He forces the words out as the approach the car. He doesn't want the car to separate them for this, though. He stops Liam from opening his door. "Before we get in."

Liam frowns. "Are you still feeling sick?"

Zayn shakes his head. "Liam, this - I need to tell you because you deserve to know, but I don't want this to - to affect us. I mean, obviously it will, but - " He pauses, looking down at his mittens. They're his favorite pair because his little sister knitted them for him. He takes a deep breath. "Do you want me?"

"Of course I - "

"I need to know, Li. Before I tell you this, I need to know that you already have every intention of working this out. Of staying with me. Of loving me forever."

Liam's bare hand comes up to cup Zayn's cheek. "I love you. I've loved you every day since we got together. I didn't realize it at first, but I was falling in love with you as soon as I saw you. And I've loved you every day. Every day of this past week I have woken up loving you and missing you and wanting you. Nothing is going to change that. Tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Every day for as long as you'll have me. I love you." He leans in and gently kisses Zayn's cheek. "That would've been a proper kiss but you just threw up and I know it would've grossed you out." He smiles.

Zayn nods, his chest feeling more elated than it has in weeks. "Okay. Well - " He takes Liam's hand and gently moves it down to his belly. "There's going to be another little someone to love soon."

Liam's eyes immediately fill with tears and wonder as he glances between Zayn's face and his hand on Zayn's belly. "You're - you're pregnant?!"

Zayn bites back a smile and nods.

"Baby - oh my god, baby, we're going to be parents?!" He wraps his arms around Zayn and hugs him, barely restraining himself from lifting him up and spinning him around. Zayn can feel the excitement racking through his body. "How long?"

"11 weeks. The doctor said we could find out the sex at the next appointment."

"That's why you took Louis with you? Because you're pregnant?"

Zayn nods. "I didn't - I was going to ask you, but then - everything happened."

Liam pulls him into another hug, kissing his forehead. "I'm so sorry, baby."

"I just - I wanted to know you still wanted me. I didn't want to have you coming back just because of this."

Liam's fighting back tears now. Happy tears mixed with some tears of regret, Zayn thinks. "I love you. I love you more now than I did a second ago I think, but you're - " He reaches out to touch Zayn's stomach again, even though he can't really feel much through all the layers. "You're carrying my baby. Our baby. I really didn't think I could love you more, but I kind of feel like that every day and then the next day I do."

Zayn smiles. "You're such a sap."

Liam laughs. "You love it."

He nods, leaning into Liam's hold. "I do. I love you."

\---

Liam sleeps in one of the guest rooms. Zayn tells him he needs to get some proper sleep. He fixes him chamomile tea while he fills him in on all of the morning sickness and what the doctors have said. Then he slips out of the room and changes into a pair of sleep pants - just sleep pants, so Liam can see the baby bump.

Liam tears up as soon as he sees Zayn's bare stomach. He leans down and starts to reach out and touch him before pausing and glancing up at Zayn. "Do you mind if I - can I touch?"

Zayn nods, touched that Liam bothered to ask. He tries to ignore the shudder that goes through him when Liam lays his hand on the baby bump and starts to whisper his love to the baby. "He doesn't have ears yet, Li."

"Doesn't matter," Liam replies with a little glance. "Want him to feel my love. I missed the first two months."

"You didn't - "

Liam shakes his head. "I didn't know he was there. It's different."

Zayn stops interrupting and lets Liam continue for a few minutes. He stands and presses a kiss to Zayn's cheek again.

"You're amazing," he whispers. "You're growing a little person. Our little person."

Zayn smiles, but steps away. He's not ready to be physical with Liam yet. Not anymore than letting him kiss his cheek and talk to the baby. "I'm going to bed. You should finish your tea."

"I will. Thank you for making it for me. I never seem to get the milk and honey combo just right."

Zayn huffs out an amused breath. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, my love. I've got to go in for a couple hours tomorrow, but we could have lunch together?" he requests.

"That'd be great," Zayn agrees. "I was actually thinking about going to get a tree tomorrow, if you want to help?"

"Absolutely. Anything you need."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight. I love you."

Zayn doesn't reply, just shuts the bedroom door behind him.

It's difficult, saying 'goodnight' to Liam without a kiss or an 'I love you' of his own attached. It's hard to look at him and trust him completely, but it's also difficult to walk away from him.

Zayn slips into bed, avoiding looking at the side of the bed that is supposed to be filled with Liam. His husband. His best friend. Well, one of his best friends. He's never believed that bullshit that your spouse should be your only best friend. Louis's his best friend, too.

With that thought, he grabs his phone and lies back, hoping that Louis will answer.

"Zee?" Louis says after a few rings. "What's wrong?"

And suddenly Zayn's eyes are filling with tears. "Nothing." He sniffles.

"How did it go?"

"Good. I mean, I guess. He's - I think he's trying? But I'm also afraid of getting my hopes up."

"That's understandable, babe," Louis replies in a soothing voice. "He's dashed your hopes enough over the last few weeks. Months, really."

"He's sleeping in the guest room," Zayn adds. "I couldn't - I didn't want to watch him leave, I guess."

"He's moving back in, then?"

"Yeah. Just to another room for now. He's being sweet and, yeah, I really hope - think? That he's trying. He wants us to have lunch tomorrow. And I told him about the baby."

"Good, he needed to know. Is he excited?"

Zayn's chest flutters as he thinks about Liam talking to his stomach. "Yeah, he's thrilled."

\---

Zayn wakes up the next morning to an empty flat. Liam's already disappeared to work, but when Zayn stumbles into the kitchen, he finds a bakery box with a fresh chocolate croissant inside. Next to it lies a note: Z, I'm looking forward to lunch. Love you, Li.

Zayn smiles and enjoys his breakfast as he goes to find a pair of pants that still fit. Louis had convinced him last night to go maternity shopping this morning before lunch.

8:03am, Zayn to Liam

I'm going shopping with Lou this morning. He promised he could drop me off near the studio in time for lunch, if that's okay?

8:10am, Liam to Zayn

Yes, tell Lou thank you. I should be out of here about noon. Shopping for anything special?

8:11am, Zayn to Liam

Maternity clothes. :(

8:16am, Liam to Zayn

Baby needs to grow, baby. :)

8:47am, Zayn to Louis

I'm ready whenever you get here.

\---

"How was shopping?" Liam asks, leaning in to press a kiss to Zayn's cheek. He shoots Louis a smile and a wave as he pulls away.

Zayn shrugs. "It was okay. I got some stuff, but I'd still rather wear my normal stuff for a while. It all makes me feel fat."

Liam frowns. "Babe - "

"Don't. Louis's been telling me all afternoon. It's just the baby. I know. Knowing doesn't change how I feel."

"You're gorgeous, regardless. I'll tell you that til my dying day."

Zayn's cheeks brighten as he looks away. "We should eat."

"Okay," Liam easily relents. He places his hand on Zayn's lower back and gently guides him into the restaurant. "Have you told your mum? About the baby?"

Zayn shakes his head. "I didn't mean to tell anyone but Louis before you. Niall figured it out himself."

Liam smiles, turning to speak to the host for a moment. They're led to a table away from the windows after a few moments. "I just wanted to know if I could tell my parents, babe."

Zayn shrugs, glancing down at his stomach. "I think it'll be fairly obvious when they get here next week."

Liam shakes his head. "You're really not that big, baby. Little guy's tiny. You want to tell them all in person, then?"

"Yeah, I think they'd all like that, don't you? Finding out together?"

"I'm sure they'd love that." He pauses, looking over the menu. "Are you going to be okay with all of them wanting to touch your stomach or will I need to run interference?"

Zayn chuckles. "They're family. I'll be fine."

"I don't want you feeling overwhelmed," Liam insists, reaching across the table for Zayn's hand.

"And I appreciate that, I do. But let's assume I'm fine until otherwise."

Liam squeezes his fingers and nods. "Okay. Agreed. If your mum and Safaa are here earlier than the rest, do you think they'll notice?"

Zayn shrugs. "Not if we don't act like anything is different."

"So you can't walk around holding your stomach all the time?"

Zayn huffs. "I know. It's awful. It's like some stupid protective instinct. I've barely even felt him move yet. I mean, it's all just flutters. And, still, I feel the need to touch."

Liam smiles. "You didn't do it last night. Not 'til after you'd told me, anyways."

"Yeah, it'll just be a bit more difficult being at home. I guess it wouldn't be a big deal if they found out early. I just - your mum wouldn't be upset, would she? If my mum found out first?"

Liam shakes his head. "Baby, you know my mum's not like that. And you're the one carrying the baby. You could've told your mum before me."

Zayn frowns. "I would've told you sooner. But - it was just - I was scared."

"Scared of me? My reaction?"

Zayn shrugs. "I knew you'd be ecstatic about the baby. I just wasn't feeling so confident about you being ecstatic about it being me carrying the baby."

"Babe, Zayn - you can't - I wouldn't want it to be anyone else, baby. He's ours. He's precious because he's ours. Bits of me and you combining together to make this amazing little person. I don't want to raise him with anyone but you. That's never going to change. I love you and my future is yours. Whether that involves just this one little guy or a whole houseful of little people. You are the one I need there. Because a future without you is inconceivable. It's dark and lonely." He threads their fingers together and squeezes. "I'm yours, baby. Today and tomorrow and every day after. With or without this baby, that's true."

Zayn blinks away a few tears. "You're the only one I want, too, Li."

Liam kisses his hand and turns it to press another kiss to the palm. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

The waiter comes and takes their orders and they pass the rest of dinner in quiet conversation, discussing their holiday plans and Liam's upcoming album. Paparazzi appear before they have a chance to disappear.

Their appearance causes Zayn to sink back into a quiet mood. Liam leads him out to his car, helping Zayn into his side of the car before circling around. He knows the cameramen are screaming questions and his name, but he blocks it out. Zayn, unfortunately, hears more than he misses.

They remind him of Natalie - Liam's ex - and their suspicious looking dinner the other night. There's no questions about Zayn other than asking his reaction to Natalie. He tries to paste a content smile on his face, but he doubts anyone really buys it.

Liam shuts the driver's side door and starts the car. "Okay?"

Zayn doesn't look at him, just nods. It takes a few minutes before Liam can safely pull the car away from the curb.

Liam sets his hand on Zayn's thigh. "What's wrong, love?"

"Natalie - "

"She's gone, babe."

"But there wasn't anything going on?"

Liam sighs. "She's just a friend."

"What about that dinner the other night?"

"That was… a mistake." His jaw sharpens. "We weren't on the same page. I corrected her. It's just - it happens sometimes. Writing together makes people… confused."

"And you weren't confused?"

Liam shakes his head. "No, baby. I love you. I haven't doubted that for a second. I thought she understood that. I - god, most of the guys tell me to shut up about you. I talk about you all the time."

"What were you writing?"

"It was - it was a break-up song, I guess you'd say. It was bringing up a lot of feelings about our break-up. It's been years, but I guess we haven't - we never talked about it, obviously. She hasn't moved on like I thought she had."

"And you corrected her assumptions?"

"Yes, baby, I did," Liam assures him. "But we were working together, so I was trying not to make that as awkward. I should've taken your concerns more seriously, but I really thought I had it under control. And I didn't realize how much it was bothering you."

Zayn nods. "Would you tell me if you see her again? Or talk to her? I just - I'd rather know, I guess."

"If that's what you want, of course."

\---

The next couple days passed with increasing ease. Liam continued to stay in the guest room and arrive home in time for dinner, usually with flowers or some small gift for Zayn in tow. Louis and Harry were invited to join them for dinner and Zayn spent the day cleaning and making lists, as his mum and sister were due to arrive the following day.

He'd just popped dinner into the oven when he heard the front door open. "Li?" he called.

"Yeah, it's me, babe," Liam answered, coming around the corner into the kitchen. "Do you need help with anything?"

Zayn shook his head. "I've got it covered. You've got time to shower and change if you want."

Liam steps over to pull him gently into a hug. "How was your day?"

Zayn feels him slide something into his back pocket. "It was good. I think everything's about ready for my mum's arrival tomorrow. I was thinking you should go ahead and move your stuff back into our room tonight? In case they get here earlier than expected tomorrow. I don't want them to have reason to suspect - "

Liam nods, pulling back to kiss Zayn's cheek. "Yeah, of course. I feel like we're on the right track now, though, right? Working our way back to us?"

Zayn nods. "You don't need to bring me a present every day, though, babe." He reaches into his back pocket to find a folded piece of paper. "What is this?"

"This present didn't cost me a thing, baby." Liam grins. "I'll move my stuff and hop in the shower. Holler if you need anything, yeah?"

"Okay," Zayn replies, staring down at the folded paper. Liam steps away and Zayn slowly unfolds it to find it filled with Liam's writing.

Zee,

Do you remember last Christmas? We spent the day surrounded by family, but that night in bed is what I remember most. We talked for hours, whispering in my old bedroom. It wasn't our first Christmas together, but it was our first Christmas as a married couple. And there was something magical about it. It's one of the first times we talked about our future kids in a way that was more than just a passing comment. I don't remember when before that it was that you told me you were able to carry kids, but I can't remember a time when I didn't imagine my kids with your dark complexion and hair. Or a blond little boy with your dark brown eyes. Kids were such a huge commitment that I never really had thought about them in more than a vague 'yeah, someday' kind of attitude. But with you. With you, I thought about it. I dreamed about it. I still dream about it. I wake up some morning expecting to find a little girl or boy cuddled between us in bed because they've had a bad dream. I dream of snow days, chasing each other around and throwing snowballs and building snowmen and kissing you in the snow while our kids tell us how 'icky' we are. I dream of coming home to find you exhausted from the baby not sleeping and the way I'll kiss you and send you to bed while I take over. I dream of my mum and your mum taking turns to come take over and send us out for a much-needed date night. I dream of so many things, baby. And all of the good things revolve around you and our babies. I just wanted you to know that. You're in all of my dreams and I plan to keep you around for all of my days. I love you, baby.

Yours forever,

Li

Zayn finds himself wiping away a tear as he reaches the end of the note. It's better than any other present Liam had brought this week. He used to do this a lot, write a note and slide it into Zayn's back pocket. He's kept most of them in the bottom drawer of his nightstand. They're piled inside beneath one of his sketchbooks and some pencils. He hasn't looked at them in a while.

He reads it again as he hears the shower kick on in their bathroom. Then he gently refolds it and holds it to his chest. If he weren't cooking and waiting on his friends' arrival, he might go join Liam in the shower. He desperately wants to kiss him. He checks on the oven timer and slips the note back into his pocket. He sets this table and listens for the shower to turn off.

As soon as it does, he darts into their room and meets Liam as he's exiting the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Hey - " Liam starts, but Zayn cuts him off with a kiss. It's hurried and brief and all too much, but Zayn needs this. He loves this man and he wants to snog him senseless, but that will have to wait for later.

"I love you," Zayn murmurs, briefly kissing him again. "If Lou and Harry weren't on their way here, we'd have a proper snog, but it'll have to wait."

Liam grins, darting forward for another kiss. "Alright. I can wait."

Zayn smiles back at him and steals a final kiss before pushing away when Liam's hands come around to squeeze his arse. "Get dressed."

There's a knock at the door and Zayn breaks away to go answer it.

Louis and Harry wait on the other side, a six pack in Harry's hand. Louis steps forward to hug Zayn.

"You okay?"

Zayn nods and smiles. "How's it going, Harry?"

"Good. I'm good. I know you're expecting, but I thought Liam would appreciate the beer." Harry passes him to go place it in the fridge, pulling one out to pass to Louis.

"You're not drinking, babe?" Louis asks.

Harry shakes his head. "Not now. You go ahead."

Louis studies him for a moment, but shrugs. "How've you been feeling?" Louis asks, reaching for Zayn's stomach. "Can we feel them move yet?"

Zayn places Louis's hand against his stomach. "I can feel him move, but I don't think it's that obvious to anyone else yet. I'm not that far along. It's just kind of little flutters at the moment. He's still just a blob."

Harry laughs. "But you know it's a boy?"

Zayn shakes his head. "Not officially. We're supposed to find out at my next appointment right after Christmas."

"You think it's a boy? Or you want a boy?"

"I think it's a boy. But I'll be happy either way," Zayn replies.

"Hey, guys, good to see you," Liam greets them as he exits the bedroom. "How've you been?"

"Oughta be asking you that. Finally got your album done?" Harry asks. "When do I get to hear it?"

Liam chuckles. "I didn't hear yours until you'd released it," he reminds him.

"Irrelevant. You wanted to hear the whole thing at once. I would be happy to hear whatever you offer."

"Well, we're polishing the last few bits. And I'd rather you hear the entire thing together. Finished product and all."

"Surely you don't make Zee wait for the thing to be finished?"

Zayn rolls his eyes. "I've heard some of it."

"Most of it," Liam gently corrects. "There's only the song I did with Natalie and a couple new ones from the past few weeks that you haven't heard, baby."

"Don't know that I want to hear the Natalie one."

Liam frowns.

"Did you get Shawn to write with you on this one?" Harry interjects, noting the tension and attempting to dispel it.

Liam's eyes remain on Zayn as he turns to answer the oven's buzzer. "Nah, didn't work out. His schedule's been pretty crazy."

"That's too bad. Maybe for his next album."

"When's your tour starting? Next year?"

Harry coughs. "Uh, yeah. I'm not sure."

Louis frowns. "You were mapping out the calendar a couple weeks ago. I thought it'd be a done deal by now."

Harry's always been a terrible liar, Zayn thinks. He only shares one look with him and knows what it is that he doesn't want to say. Zayn clears his throat. "Babe, could you help me find that ultrasound picture? I was going to show it to Louis and Harry, but I must've misplaced it in my - our room."

Liam looks adorably confused, but follows Zayn out of the room. "Where did you see it last?"

"Oh, I'm not sure…." He glances over his shoulder and then switches to a whisper. "It's in the nightstand. They just needed a minute."

"What?"

"I think… I think Harry might be pregnant."

There's an exclamation and a whoop from the kitchen which causes Zayn to grin as he hears Harry's laughter join in.

"Let's just give them a minute," Zayn repeats.

"How far along is he?"

Zayn shakes his head. "Li, I don't know anything more than he's pregnant. I assume it's why his tour schedule is up in the air at the moment. He can't be out on tour when he goes into labor."

"Oh my god, I haven't even told my label about the baby. They're supposed to be starting to plan the tour - it's supposed to be announced right after my album drops. I didn't know you were pregnant the last time they asked about any other obligations I had - "

"Babe, calm down. You have your phone?" Liam nods, pulling it out of his pocket. "Just email them now. Tell them that we haven't made an announcement yet, so please keep it to themselves, but you thought they should know so that you have time off around my due date."

Liam takes a deep breath. "You're right. Of course. They aren't going to - they'll understand."

Zayn nods. "It'll be fine."

"We need to talk about the tour, though. Me and you. I was hoping you'd come with me. Especially now that you're pregnant. I don't want to miss anything. I know we'll have to ask your doctor about traveling restrictions and stuff, but that's usually not an issue for a bit, right? I think?"

"Zayn!" Louis calls. "Get your arse back in here!"

"We'll talk about it later," Zayn promises. "But there's nothing keeping me here other than the baby's health. As long as the doctor - "

"Zee!"

Zayn huffs and grins. "We should get back in there."

"Harry's pregnant! We're gonna have babies together!" Louis exclaims, pulling Zayn into a hug and lifting him off of the floor.

"Hey - " Liam starts. Zayn's feet are back on the floor before he can protest, though.

"Congratulations!" Zayn tells Louis. He turns to Harry and pulls him into a hug. "Congrats!"

"Thanks," Harry says into his ear. "I know you would've loved for it to be - "

Zayn shakes his head. "I'm thrilled. It's you and Louis's baby either way. And our kids can be the best of friends."

"I wasn't going to say anything, honest. I was gonna let tonight be about you guys - "

Liam pulls Harry into a short hug. "There's no need for that. The more, the merrier."

"Have you seen a doctor?" Zayn asks. "Do you know how far along you are? Have you been sick yet?"

"I just called to schedule an appointment for later this week," Harry replies. "I didn't want to go without Lou."

Liam wraps an arm around Zayn. "Should we get started on dinner, love?"

"Oh, yes. Everything should be ready." He turns to open the fridge. "Could you take this into the table?"

They're sitting down within minutes and returning to their conversations as the food is slowly devoured.

"I only got sick a couple mornings so far," Harry tells Zayn. "Was yours bad?"

"I think I've got it under control now. Just make sure you keep crackers in your nightstand. Eat them before you get up. Usually helps. And ginger candy. It didn't work so well for me, but I've heard good things."

Harry nods. "Okay. I know this is all new for you, too, but I think you're just a month or two ahead of me, so I may be constantly asking you shit."

Zayn laughs. "It's totally fine. We'll bond over our heartburn and the formless blobs that we're in love with."

Harry grins. "I think mine's more of a blob than yours right now."

"Oh just wait til they show you the baby on an ultrasound. I didn't even know where the heck the baby was before they pointed at it."

\---

"Zayn? Babe?"

"Hm?"

Liam wraps his arms around Zayn's waist from behind, pressing a kiss to the curve of his neck. "I'll clean up. Why don't you go take a shower and relax?"

"There's only a few more - "

"And I can get it, baby. You cooked and cleaned all day. Just let me finish up."

Zayn finally nods, rinsing his hands off before he turns in Liam's arms. "Thanks, Li." He kisses his cheek before slipping out of his arms.

"I can sleep on the floor," Liam offers upon entering their bedroom. Zayn's showered and is wearing nothing but pants underneath the covers. An open book sits against his knees, but quickly is shut and set aside.

He shakes his head. "There's no need for that. Our bed's huge."

Liam nods and goes to brush his teeth and complete his nightly rituals before bed. When he returns, he takes his place on his side of the bed and is suddenly struck with how long its been since he's slept in the same bed as his husband. "Are you sure - "

"I still want to snog you for that note earlier," Zayn cuts him off.

Liam stops and grins. "Okay."

Zayn scoots towards him and reaches out to run his thumb across Liam's lips. "I don't know why you can still surprise me with little heartfelt notes, but you do. And I love them."

"I love you," Liam murmurs. He kisses Zayn's thumb as he meets his eyes. "I wasn't sure you'd still enjoy my rambling via note."

"I do. It's very you and I do love you. Despite everything. Because of everything? You always seem to find your way back to me. And I'm not sure what I'll do when that's no longer the case."

Liam shakes his head. "That won't ever be the case, baby. I'm yours. For as long as you'll have me."

"I want you for the rest of my days."

Their voices are hushed despite the privacy of their room and their faces slowly move towards each other as they continue.

"Then you'll have me. Every day. 'Til death do us part."

Zayn shakes his head. "What about the afterlife? If there's an afterlife."

"You can have me there, too. There's nowhere and no time that you can't have me, baby. I'm yours."

Zayn kisses him then. His hand comes around the back of Liam's neck, holding him closer - not wanting him to move away. Liam sighs into the kiss and Zayn knows exactly how to take him apart. It's a slow development, just a touch here and a curl of his tongue and a scrape of his teeth. He keeps him waiting - wanting. He's straddling Liam's lap before he even realizes that he's moved - did he move? Maybe Liam moved him. He is known to manhandle him in these circumstances. The feel of their bare chests against each other combined with their kiss has both of their cocks interested.

Liam's hands remain firmly above his husband's waist, which in another mindset Zayn would appreciate. But this is now and Zayn really wants to touch Liam all over and be touched in return. He wants to show him how much he means to him. He wants so much and he doesn't know if anything he does could ever express the depth of his feelings for this man.

"I know, baby, I know," Liam murmurs. Their lips part but they remain a breath apart.

Zayn's eyes meet Liam's for a long moment and he reaches for Liam's hand, moving it down to cup his ass. "Touch me," he pleads.

Liam moves to trace the outline of Zayn's cock at the front of his pants. "Gorgeous, baby."

Zayn whimpers and then Liam's flipped them, Zayn's on his back and Liam's mouthing his way down his throat, chest, stomach. His teeth bite a mark into Zayn's hip as he releases Zayn's cock from his pants. A hiss from Zayn as his cock bobs up towards his stomach.

"Wanna hear you, baby," Liam whispers.

"Li, please."

Liam's rarely one to make Zayn wait and this isn't a time for patience. He kisses his way up to the tip of his cock before swallowing him down. Zayn exclaims and curses and tears gather in the corners of his eyes as Liam's head starts to bob over him. He tries to get Liam to stop before he comes, but Liam doesn't let up until Zayn's orgasm is crashing over him.

There's always a few moments after he returns to earth in which he feels nothing but adored. It's always been this way with Liam. The man doesn't want to just take you apart; he wants to put you back together again.

When they'd first started sleeping together, Zayn hadn't known how to handle what Liam made him feel afterwards. Now, he just smiles and let's Liam whisper a mix of filthy plans and sweet adorations into his skin.


End file.
